"Managing Toddler Tantrums When You're Triggered"

“One minute I was fine, and the next thing I know, I’m at 100.”

As a client shared this with me, it reminded me of my own recent experience where my toddler’s tantrum escalated into a full-blown meltdown. It was nap-time, and as usual, my daughter wanted a snack just as we were heading upstairs. I gave her two options—neither of which she liked—but she finally chose the apple sauce. After reading a book and settling her and her brother in bed, I got up to leave when she whined, “I have to go to the bathroom!”

Then her brother chimed in, “Me too!” My patience was already wearing thin. I got them both to the bathroom and back in bed, only to hear, “I want some water. I’m thirsty.” At this point, I was incredibly frustrated. I just wanted a moment to sit down and get a break after a long morning of being pulled in all directions. The day had already drained me, and I was also trying to catch up on some work. My frustration was building.

I reminded myself that I often get thirsty at night too, and it’s not fair to deny them. But that logic wasn’t helping me in the moment. I gave them water, but then they asked for more, and that’s when I snapped internally. My mind raced, and I could feel the tension boiling up. I was at my breaking point.

At that moment, I realized I had two options: stay and try to regulate their emotions—or leave and take care of my own. I chose the latter. I put them back in bed, kissed their heads, and calmly said, “Mommy is feeling very angry right now, so I need a minute for myself. I’ll come check on you in 10 minutes.” The crying continued, and one even got louder, but I knew they were safe. I needed to step away and regulate my own emotions before I could help them.

How to Manage Your Triggers as a Parent

When your child is having a tantrum and you feel yourself getting triggered, the first question you need to ask is, “Do I have the capacity to respond calmly, or will I react from a place of frustration?” This is not about what you wish you could do, but about your current emotional state. If you feel like you’re going to react negatively, make sure your child is in a safe space and give yourself a moment to step away.

When you’re triggered, your brain’s ability to think clearly and act logically is compromised. This is why it’s so important to have sensory calming tools in place that can help you ground yourself when emotions run high. These could be deep breathing exercises, stepping outside for a moment, or simply taking a few minutes to calm your nervous system.

Once you’ve calmed down, you can return to your child and address the situation with a clearer mind. If you weren’t able to step away and ended up snapping at your child, take time to repair the relationship. Acknowledge how you were feeling, recognize how your reaction might have affected them, and explain what you’ll do differently next time. This teaches your child about accountability and shows them that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.

Reflect and Prepare for the Next Time

The truth is, these situations will happen again. So, after the moment has passed, reflect on what you can do differently next time. For me, that meant building in a bathroom break before nap-time, having water bottles ready ahead of time, and giving myself a 5-minute break before starting the nap routine on especially busy days.

Parenting is a journey filled with challenges, and learning how to regulate your emotions during your child’s tantrums is key to creating a calmer, more connected household. The more you practice, the better you’ll become at managing those heated moments—and the more space you’ll have to support your child through theirs.

Remember, parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about learning, growing, and making adjustments as you go. Whether you stay calm or lose your temper, what matters most is how you repair and move forward. Give yourself grace, and know that each moment is an opportunity for growth—for both you and your child.