Conscious Parenting

When I mention that I'm a Conscious Parenting Coach, I often receive surprised or puzzled looks, followed by the inevitable question, "What is Conscious Parenting?"

I'm grateful when people ask. Conscious parenting is a methodology that shifts the focus from solely children to the parents themselves. It's a revolutionary approach, moving away from traditional methods, emphasising connection over correction and control. It's about understanding the emotions behind children's words and behaviours, promoting self-awareness, authenticity, and a deeper connection between parent and child.

When I began raising my son, I hadn't heard of conscious parenting or any other parenting approaches. Dealing with his unique emotional needs, I found traditional parenting ineffective, especially during meltdowns and tantrums. It led me to question my role as a mom—was I doing something wrong? Why couldn't I understand his emotional needs? Why did his tantrums trigger me?

In my quest for answers, I realised the lack of training on how to become a parent. Most studies focus on raising a happy, successful, obedient child, but there's a gap in preparing parents for the role. My need was different—I wanted to learn how to be a calm, connected, and self-regulated parent who understands non-verbal communication.

Through research, I discovered the revolutionary approach of "Conscious Parenting." It not only transformed my parenting style but also healed my inner child and made me aware of generational patterns, preventing their impact on my child.

Why choose Conscious Parenting?

What's different about Conscious Parenting is that it's not about control and fear; it's about you and your child working together to solve problems and more. When I tried this approach I realised something crucial - every child deserves love, respect, compassion, empathy and understanding, not just those with special needs or behavioural problems.

Conscious parenting builds thriving relationships and brings more peace to your home compared to traditional, strict parenting.

In reality, authoritative parenting creates division, misunderstandings, frustration, and worn-out parents. Its short-term gains often lead to long-term problems.

“I was spanked/yelled at/punished, and I turned out fine.”

Here's an honest question:

Have you ever thought about your childhood and adult life experiences? Reflect on how it felt when you were harshly punished or spanked. Consider what emotions or triggers you still carry today.

Chances are, you might remember feeling misunderstood, not heard, or not allowed to express your emotions freely. Perhaps you felt controlled or punished without understanding what you did wrong.

Studies reveal that kids raised with strict (punitive) parenting styles often grow up to be angry, defiant, depressed, and anxious adults. These unresolved emotions can lead to mental health challenges and difficulties in both work and personal relationships.

All Behaviour is Communication

Often, we focus on stopping or changing behaviours quickly, especially when dealing with whining, crying, or defiance, which can be tough, especially if you're stressed or have mental health challenges. What we may not realize is that these challenging behaviours indicate an unmet need, a way for the child to communicate. It's like a language we need to learn. 

As parents, we often try to stop it immediately by comforting the child or dismissive phrases like "stop crying" or "what's the big deal." Unfortunately, these responses don't acknowledge the child's feelings, which they deserve, regardless of whether we agree with them or not.

When children don't feel seen, heard or validated, they keep their feelings bottled up, leading to various emotional issues. As parents, especially in challenging situations, we also put aside our needs, leading to resentment and anger within ourselves.

This cycle continues, and when the unacknowledged feelings burst out, we may explode, repeating the cycle. Handling challenging behaviours with yelling or punishment leaves us feeling guilt and shame. Some parents may not feel guilt, thinking harsh punishment is discipline.

The key is to find a better way to break this cycle, especially when facing difficult situations like raising special needs children or multiples.

Discipline or Punishment?

It's crucial to realise that our children have the same feelings as adults, even though their brains are not fully developed until around age 23-24. If your child is younger or in their late teens and early 20s, understanding their development helps in handling situations.

Now, what does discipline really mean? Many think it's about punishment, spanking, or timeouts. However, the actual meaning of discipline is "to teach." As parents, our role is to guide and coach, not be overly controlling taskmasters.

I love this quote from L.R. Knost, who sums it up perfectly, 

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions not retribution.”

A different perspective

Consider this: when you're angry, what's your first reaction? Slamming doors, throwing things, yelling? How do you feel when a loved one sees or experiences it? Remorse, guilt, shame, maybe embarrassment? Worried that you've messed up too much and they might leave?

Guess what? Our kids feel the same way! But often, we expect them never to get angry, cry, or show big emotions. Now, we have the opportunity to change our relationship with ourselves and our children, to break the cycle, and let everyone be free to feel.

How do we embrace Conscious Parenting and put it into practice?

The key to conscious parenting is understanding your own triggers first. Work on healing and changing yourself before expecting your child to change. Kids often reflect our emotions—when we're anxious, sad, or angry, they may feel the same way or act out more.

I share this not to judge but because I've been there too. Conscious Parenting isn't about perfection; it's about awareness, connection, teamwork, and progress. Before expecting our children's behaviour to change, we must recognise and understand our own triggers, let go of limiting beliefs, and shift our mindset to accept ourselves and our reactions.

As we do this, we naturally extend the same understanding to our children. We give them space to feel and be themselves, recognising that they are individuals, not extensions of us. Like us, our children want to feel heard, seen, validated, and understood. They want to be allowed to be themselves and feel loved regardless of their actions. Through conscious awareness, connection, and unconditional love, we can create a positive environment for our children.